On lists and productivity
It’s not a big update. Just remember that today you have decided to care about money. But you know in your heart that it’s not money perse that you put care into - what you are doing is making sure that you will have good funding for your travels.
Dear self, when you’re reading this again, know that you have pushed to conquer your heart and mind, have seen enough of the world, made friends all over, loved to the fullest. There is only one life. Always remember that. And if you find yourself in a stump, go out. Just go out please.
I hope you live like 27. Whatever 27 means.
Next year, go out and spend your birthday where the crazies are. With fireworks and jump ropes and sparkles
Also, do remember: always, always be grateful.
There are days like this one. When, after going through every nook of the internet reading about this infection, you feel as though you need to understand it more.
I got tested a few weeks ago. It returned well. Non-reactive. Negative.
Right now my mind a a blur. there are way too many things running against each other right now. what is this feeling? what have been nagging me the past days? is oral sex safe? what do i tell him? do I tell him to always be cautious? to always check if he has any sores in his mouth before even blowing me? when do we have sex? do i go rough? do i always check the fucking condom? DO I EVEN ACT.
i just know that i love him. i am happy when i see him. i am comfortable when we hug each other to sleep. i love the person that he is. i love how he loves people. i love how he loves life. i love how he handles this relationship. i love how he handles his infection. i love him.
man, i don’t know. sometimes i just want to talk this out into oblivion.
I have come to a realization that with family, with friends, with work, I will always be “the immature one” “the one who never grew up” “the one who does things his way” - and I know, when I see it in their eyes, how they feel bad for me. But here’s the thing. No matter how they feel bad, I know those are reflections. They feel bad for themselves. They judge me on their standards - on the norm. As much as they judge me, they judge themselves too. As much as they judge themselves, they end up keeping me. Because I am the person they will never be. They live vicariously through me. And it is okay to play that role.
A decision which will stick
You’ve always considered yourself to be one with an open mind. Hell, being gay should do that.
But what is this right now?
You know you’ll decide for the better. It will not even take time. You have decided, even. But are you ready?
Don’t haste. There is nothing to waste.
If it’s a love that will be, then let love be.
Kids who will stay gold
I am going to name my son Ponyboy
Out there. Active and Experienced
I hope that you get to read this a year from now.
I hope that you achieved it. You are most probably in Chiangmai but, if it’s another city, there’s no regret. You are conquering yourself. It was a stretch. Be happy. Take it all in. This doesn’t come and didn’t come easily. You gave up on other things. Because you now, deep in your heart, that this is something you really have to do. Be great at it. It is not a vacation. It feels like it. That’s the icing on the cake - a lovely consequence. Be sure to learn. Learn learn learn. Be a beginner.
One more thing. You are in fairly good shape now. Continue the activity. It will serve you well in the years to come.
To all the days in the future that you will feel sad, let it. Sadness begs to be felt. Because for the past 26 years of you life…to this very day, a cold rainy January night…you have had a lot of happy days. You have been blessed in ways you didn’t think possible. You have achieved a lot my man. You are happy. And you’ve made a lot of people happy. You have made people around you pursue and choose happiness. :)
Christmas Day of 2012
Hey, the world didn’t end.
Hey, remember this night and how awesome and warm it felt to see your whole family open those gifts. Yes, days like this totally make up for whatever stuff you could have spent that money for. Remember to always give back at the end of the year. Make this a tradition. No matter how poor you be; you’ll find a way to make everyone excited for Christmas Eve.
Hey, I’m proud of you that you swallowed your pride and greeted your dad and made mano. Man, it makes you cry that he hasn’t uttered a word since that day in November. But let it be.
Merry Christmas, self.
Of karst mountains
(wrote this that night in Vang Vieng, while listening to Fun’s Carry On)
Someday I will take a year off from corporate work (oh good lord you are still working a corporate existence? Who would have thought that you could really do that, eh?) and travel Asia again and South America. To test oneself against his very existence. To question everything. To find answers. To push every bone and muscle in thy body. To stretch patience and understanding and tolerance. To grow beyond. To transcend.
There are too many things in life that are beyond what you think you can do. But when these moments present themselves, you choose. Do you paddle hard or just laze and catch some sun? I don’t know. Today, I paddled hard to save trish from her freaking out. I think she’s acting like a girl. At one point I arrived to a conclusion that this is the very reason why I want a guy guy. But she has her points-she joined me tubing because she was being a good friend. She’s a great travel buddy. And I know her enough as to how to properly act given certain situations. It’s great.
So what are you doing now? Do you have tickets ready? Have you saved enough for the trip of your life?
Let’s jump a bit while staying on topic. You know how you’ve always been thinking about traveling till you grow old? How many years will it take you to set foot on every country in this earth as we know it? I really really don’t know what to make out that - do you hurry up and make sure you do everything before 30 or the idea that you’ll live long tells you to just relax because some day, in its inevitability, you will definitely see everything? Is it a paradox that they call it?
Self, always remember to always and forever keep a center. Always maintain a level of calmness. Always find that beat in your heart that can slow down everything. Breath. Smile. Be centered.